


The Ass Pounder 4000

by bellaliemy



Category: Muse (Band)
Genre: Crack, M/M, deeply closeted dom, it's always sunny in philadelphia - Freeform, this is just the muse version of one of my favorite iasip scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 16:50:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11017521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellaliemy/pseuds/bellaliemy
Summary: The Muse version of one of my favorite scenes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.





	The Ass Pounder 4000

Dom was beginning to get upset. “I am NOT gay. I don’t understand why you guys are obsessed with this!!” 

Matt, Chris, Tom, and Morgan were situated around a table. They had decided enough was enough and poor Dom needed and intervention. The gay pants and cheese had been understandable, but the “accidental” flirting with the waiters, various stagehands, and even Matt had gotten too far. 

Matt had had enough, and decided it was time for his trophy drummer to confront his sexuality. How could Dom not see how he was flirting with him on and off stage? He wanted Dom to acknowledge their relationship.

He leaned towards Dom, who sat at the head of the table. “Dom, don’t make me go get the bike..”

“ _ I’ve  _ got nothing to hide” Dom crossed his arms with a frustrated look. “Go get the bike.” 

Matt threw his hands into the air. “Fine, I’ll go get the bike.”

 

_ Later _

 

“I would like to present into evidence, uh,” Matt stepped away, revealing a seemingly normal bike. “Dom’s bike.” He gestured to the bike with a hand and the other arm on his hip in an accusatory stance.

Dom looked confused. “What? It’s an awesome workout bike. What’s the big deal?” He looked around at the equally confused faces of Tom, Chris, and Morgan.

Matt cleared his throat. “Ok… Why don’t you go ahead and operate the bike?” 

“Yeah, well,” Dom made his way to the bike, with his back to his friends and his body blocking the bike from view. “It’s just like any other workout bike, with pedals, you know..” He began peddling the bike and stepped away, exposing a massive dildo pumping up and down.

 

Chris, Tom, and Morgan were left shocked.

“Uh, wow” Morgan shook his head.

“That’s outrageous!” Tom exclaimed.

Chris simply kept an exasperated look. “Ok then..”

Matt kept his arms akimbo. “There you go.” The evidence spoke for itself: Dom was definitely gay.

 

“Alright, alright, alright.” Dom pushed the dong down as he began to defend his bike. “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what it looks like-” The dick interrupted Dom as it popped back up into its phallic glory.

 

Tom piped in before Dom could continue his defense. “What it looks like is you’re fucking yourself with a giant dildo up the butt!”

 

Chris looked downright concerned at this point. “Is that why you have the bike shorts with the flap in the back?” 

“That? That’s for airflow!” Dom motioned towards his rear.

“This is grotesque,” Morgan commented as he lit up a cigarette.

 

Dom became visibly agitated as he continued his defense.“No, you’re not understanding! I modded out a regular workout bike to create the optimal workout!”

“And added a penis” Tom added painfully.

 

“Ohh. I see..” Dom nodded with understanding. “I see where you guys are getting off the rails. That’s not a penis!” He gestured back towards the penis. 

 

A collection of relieved sighs went around the room.

 

Dom made a fisting pose. “It’s a fist”

The sighs of relief quickly turned back to sighs of disgust.

“I call it the Ass Pounder 4000, and it works like this.”

 

Dom climbed onto the bike for his demonstration. “Imagine you’ve been riding up a steep hill, and you’ve already been working super hard, and you’re tired.” The dildo’s pumping matched Dom’s furious peddling. “What do you do when you’re tired? You wanna rest. As you’re going to sit down, it pushes you right back into your workout.” Dom started to sit, only for the Ass Pounder to jam into his rear, propelling his body back up.” He climbed off as the dong continued to pump up and down.

“You see?” Dom looked around excitedly. “Now, I even have an amazing tagline.  _ The Ass Pounder: Never Stop Pumping. _ ” He made another fisting pose as he finished his demonstration.

 

Matt stepped forward once again.  _ If poor Dom is this confused about his sexuality, there’s nothing more we can do to save him  _ he thought.

 

“Well, um, I think we’ve seen enough. I’ve certainly learned something..” He gestured to Dom’s pose and the Ass Pounder 4000. “ _ This _ , this has nothing to do with being gay. This is just the work of a man who is an extreme sexual deviant,” he said with a shrug ”Gay or not.” Matt would just have to save this argument for another day.

**Author's Note:**

> original scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEuMmaUi50I


End file.
